Famous Steven Wright Quotations

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"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
by Steven Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
by Steven Wright
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
by Steven Wright
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
by Steven Wright
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
by Steven Wright
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
by Steven Wright
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
by Steven Wright
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
by Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
by Steven Wright
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
by Steven Wright
"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here."
by Steven Wright
"At one point he decided enough was enough."
by Steven Wright
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
by Steven Wright
"Black holes are where God divided by zero"
by Steven Wright
"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
by Steven Wright
"Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"
by Steven Wright
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect."
by Steven Wright
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
by Steven Wright
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
by Steven Wright
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
by Steven Wright
"Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture."
by Steven Wright
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
by Steven Wright
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
by Steven Wright
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
by Steven Wright
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
by Steven Wright
"How young can you die of old age?"
by Steven Wright
"I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met"
by Steven Wright
"I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five"
by Steven Wright
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
by Steven Wright
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
by Steven Wright
"I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again"
by Steven Wright
"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'? by"
by Steven Wright
"I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control."
by Steven Wright
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
by Steven Wright
"I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night"
by Steven Wright
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
by Steven Wright
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
by Steven Wright
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
by Steven Wright
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
by Steven Wright
"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes"
by Steven Wright
"I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.."
by Steven Wright
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
by Steven Wright
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it"
by Steven Wright
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
by Steven Wright
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
by Steven Wright
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
by Steven Wright
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
by Steven Wright
"I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world."
by Steven Wright
"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes."
by Steven Wright
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
by Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
by Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!"
by Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious"
by Steven Wright
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
by Steven Wright
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
by Steven Wright
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
by Steven Wright
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
by Steven Wright
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
by Steven Wright
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
by Steven Wright
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
by Steven Wright
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
by Steven Wright
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
by Steven Wright
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
by Steven Wright
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
by Steven Wright
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
by Steven Wright
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place"
by Steven Wright
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
by Steven Wright
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
by Steven Wright
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
by Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
by Steven Wright
"I was just getting too ahead of myself. I was rushing."
by Steven Wright
"I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long”."
by Steven Wright
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
by Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
by Steven Wright
"I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses."
by Steven Wright
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"
by Steven Wright
"I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters."
by Steven Wright
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
by Steven Wright
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
by Steven Wright
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
by Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
by Steven Wright
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
by Steven Wright
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
by Steven Wright
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
by Steven Wright
"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"
by Steven Wright
"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know"
by Steven Wright
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? by"
by Steven Wright
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
by Steven Wright
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
by Steven Wright
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it"
by Steven Wright
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
by Steven Wright
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
by Steven Wright
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
by Steven Wright
"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
by Steven Wright
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
by Steven Wright
"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
by Steven Wright
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer"
by Steven Wright
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
by Steven Wright
"In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably double that in revenue."
by Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
by Steven Wright


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