Famous Jon Stewart Quotations

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"We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics."
by Jon Stewart
"But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even."
by Jon Stewart
"All of the delegates gave up their time to travel with her to show the world the creative face of Canada through performance, discussions and interviews in the host countries,"
by Jon Stewart
"Democracy works. Against us."
by Jon Stewart
"Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever."
by Jon Stewart
"Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success."
by Jon Stewart
"Getting between him and his fans -- I don't think it's the P. I think it's the bodyguards,"
by Jon Stewart
"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
by Jon Stewart
"How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar."
by Jon Stewart
"I already miss him. At 42, you don't get the opportunity to be tickled a lot."
by Jon Stewart
"I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change� I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that."
by Jon Stewart
"If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."
by Jon Stewart
"The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him."
by Jon Stewart
"There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on Friends is."
by Jon Stewart
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? by"
by Jon Stewart
"Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't treated like marketing,"
by Jon Stewart
"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, Who'd you call a faggot?"
by Jon Stewart
"You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choice,"
by Jon Stewart
"When all else fails, make fun of Donny Osmond."
by Jon Stewart


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