Famous Groucho Marx Quotations

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"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
by Groucho Marx
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
by Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
by Groucho Marx
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
by Groucho Marx
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
by Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
by Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
by Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
by Groucho Marx
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
by Groucho Marx
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
by Groucho Marx
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
by Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
by Groucho Marx
"Anyone can get old, all you have to do is live long enough"
by Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"
by Groucho Marx
"Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed"
by Groucho Marx
"Don't point that beard at me, it might go off."
by Groucho Marx
"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
by Groucho Marx
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
by Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it"
by Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
by Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
by Groucho Marx
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
by Groucho Marx
"I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it."
by Groucho Marx
"I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
by Groucho Marx
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
by Groucho Marx
"I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it."
by Groucho Marx
"I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
by Groucho Marx
"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there."
by Fred Allen
"I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that."
by Groucho Marx
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
by Groucho Marx
"I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
by Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception"
by Groucho Marx
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."
by Groucho Marx
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."
by Groucho Marx
"I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member"
by Groucho Marx
"I would horsewhip you if I had a horse"
by Groucho Marx
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
by Groucho Marx
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
by Groucho Marx
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it"
by Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
by Groucho Marx
"If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go."
by Groucho Marx
"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
by Groucho Marx
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
by Groucho Marx
"Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo."
by Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?"
by Groucho Marx
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
by Groucho Marx
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
by Groucho Marx
"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
by Groucho Marx
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
by Groucho Marx
"No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend."
by Groucho Marx
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women"
by Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
by Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read"
by Groucho Marx
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
by Groucho Marx
"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."
by Groucho Marx
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies"
by Groucho Marx
"Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows--marriage does."
by Groucho Marx
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
by Groucho Marx
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted"
by Groucho Marx
"Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!"
by Groucho Marx
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
by Groucho Marx
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
by Groucho Marx
"Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house"
by Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
by Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
by Groucho Marx
"Whatever it is, I'm against it."
by Groucho Marx
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
by Groucho Marx
"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
by Groucho Marx
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
by Groucho Marx
"Women should be obscene and not heard"
by Groucho Marx
"Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication."
by Groucho Marx
"You are only as old as the woman you feel."
by Groucho Marx
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
by Groucho Marx
"We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
by Groucho Marx
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."
by Groucho Marx
"My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one."
by Groucho Marx
"I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right."
by Groucho Marx
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
by Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
by Groucho Marx, The Book of Insults
"I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member."
by Groucho Marx
"Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
by Groucho Marx
"I've had a wonderfull evening, but this wasn't it."
by Groucho Marx
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women."
by Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
by Groucho Marx
"You have the brain of a five-year-old child, and they must have been pleased to get rid of it."
by Groucho Marx, Duck Soup
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
by Groucho Marx
"Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy."
by Groucho Marx
"Jag har ett mål. Du har ett mål. Nu måste vi hitta ett fotbollslag."
by Groucho Marx
"I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book."
by Groucho Marx
"An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady."
by Groucho Marx


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