Famous Dave Barry Quotations

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"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
by Dave Barry
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
by Dave Barry
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
by Dave Barry
"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."
by Dave Barry
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
by Dave Barry
"I find myself having these conversations where I go...ââ?¬Å?You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know.ââ?¬Â And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope."
by Dave Barry
"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."
by Dave Barry
"'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'."
by Dave Barry
"'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto"
by Dave Barry
"All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: 'Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?'"
by Dave Barry
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
by Dave Barry
"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
by Dave Barry
"And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By 'they' I mean 'computers': I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)"
by Dave Barry
"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."
by Dave Barry
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
by Dave Barry
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy business people Get Ahead by using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
by Dave Barry
"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."
by Dave Barry
"As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved."
by Dave Barry
"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down."
by Dave Barry
"Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes."
by Dave Barry
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
by Dave Barry
"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
by Dave Barry
"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."
by Dave Barry
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
by Dave Barry
"Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything."
by Dave Barry
"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."
by Dave Barry
"Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep."
by Dave Barry
"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."
by Dave Barry
"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."
by Dave Barry
"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"
by Dave Barry
"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."
by Dave Barry
"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."
by Dave Barry
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
by Dave Barry
"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War."
by Dave Barry
"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care."
by Dave Barry
"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."
by Dave Barry
"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems."
by Dave Barry
"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."
by Dave Barry
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
by Dave Barry
"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry."
by Dave Barry
"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word."
by Dave Barry
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"
by Dave Barry
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
by Dave Barry
"In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps."
by Dave Barry
"In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid."
by Dave Barry
"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
by Dave Barry
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
by Dave Barry
"It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."
by Dave Barry
"Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators."
by Dave Barry
"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate"
by Dave Barry
"Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings."
by Dave Barry
"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."
by Dave Barry
"Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship."
by Dave Barry
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
by Dave Barry
"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column."
by Dave Barry
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."
by Dave Barry
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance"
by Dave Barry
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
by Dave Barry
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them"
by Dave Barry
"Please try not to be such a wiener-head."
by Dave Barry
"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter"
by Dave Barry
"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."
by Dave Barry
"Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."
by Dave Barry
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
by Dave Barry
"Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd."
by Dave Barry
"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."
by Dave Barry
"The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number."
by Dave Barry
"The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat."
by Dave Barry
"The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat"
by Dave Barry
"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."
by Dave Barry
"The longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: 'Frosty the Snowman' is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts."
by Dave Barry
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
by Dave Barry
"The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment."
by Dave Barry
"The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television."
by Dave Barry
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers."
by Dave Barry
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
by Dave Barry
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes"
by Dave Barry
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
by Dave Barry
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins"
by Dave Barry
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
by Dave Barry
"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter."
by Dave Barry
"The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species."
by Dave Barry
"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."
by Dave Barry
"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."
by Dave Barry
"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition."
by Dave Barry
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."
by Dave Barry
"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."
by Dave Barry
"There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings"
by Dave Barry
"There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."
by Dave Barry
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet"
by Dave Barry
"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent."
by Dave Barry
"To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life."
by Dave Barry
"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."
by Dave Barry
"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it."
by Dave Barry
"We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires."
by Dave Barry
"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."
by Dave Barry
"We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth."
by Dave Barry
"We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami"
by Dave Barry
"We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin."
by Dave Barry
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
by Dave Barry


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